What’s Wrong with Independent Babies?
My baby has slept in her own bed ever since she was two weeks old. She started sleeping through the night when we moved her into her crib in her own room. During the day, she screamed when I put her into a carrier. She would rather lay and play than be held. I hear advice that if you don’t sleep with your baby and don’t pack them around all day that you are a bad mother. And, heaven forbid you let a baby cry for a couple of minutes. What is wrong with trying to nurture independent children? I’m an elementary school teacher. I see many children (ranging from 6 to 12) that can’t do anything on their own and I wonder if their mother ever tried to foster independence. I agree that young babies need to be responded to quickly when they cry. But, I know when she needs me fast and when she is just fussing. I’ll also agree that a baby that feels safe (from being responded too) will be more independent, but where do you draw the line? When do you stop sleeping with them and carrying them around all the time?
I do co-sleep with my son, but I don’t think that makes for a bad mom. I think it’s the parent’s decision to do what they believe is best for their family. Co-sleeping just works for us. As long as you are doing what works for your child and family, I say more power to you! During the day, my son plays on his playmat and in his play pen by himself (with me in the room watching, of course). Although, some people can be very judgemental, do what is right for your family!
After my first was born, I was bombarded by comments "If you don't hold her all the time she won't know you or want you. She'll be fussy all the time. You should be ashamed for even saying your tired." I would cry and cry. I was so HAPPY to have my baby, but it felt like I couldn't keep her happy. Then, one day when she was about 3 weeks old, after becoming completely exhausted trying to soothe her for like 20 minutes, I put her down beside me on the couch. I was sitting and she was laying on the cushion beside me. I was going to pray, just pray that God would help me. And, at that moment she stopped fussing. The minute I stopped being upset that she was fussing, she was happy. And, it became crystal clear that the problem was me. I was encouraging her to fuss with my own behavior. So, after you have attended to their needs, you really just need to put them on their own. They will learn to handle it.
Babies DO need their mommies, but they have them whether they are in a sling, on a hip, being rocked or just sitting next to them. I didn't HAVE to hold her to make her happy. She needed her space too. And, from then on it got better.
She slept in her own bed, never with us. She slept through the night, she was genuinely happy. And I wasn't toting her around all day. She was fine in her swing, even if I was out of sight.
With my son, I knew I wouldn't feel guilty by not holding him constantly. Now, I am super close to him. In fact, he is my little momma's boy. We don't have issues with our bond and he is SO happy and independent.
I think kids need support and space equally. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH INDEPENDENCE. Independence doesn't mean abandoning your kids, it means showing them that they CAN, and that they are okay. I know that my son adapts better to change than a lot of kids his age, just because of the concious effort I made to make sure he knew me, loved me, but wasn't glued to me. He knows he is safe with certain people NOT just mommy, cause let's face it, sometimes you have to leave your kids.
Nothing wrong with fostering independence at all. Fact is that research shows that co-sleeping, going to your child when they cry, baby-wearing, etc. fosters a healthier and stronger independence in children than the alternative.
**We stop when our son decides he no longer needs it. Forcing him to stop doing something that brings him comfort and security will only serve to make him insecure and damage any healthy independence he may have.
I strongly agree. My son is very independent, he can entertain himself for a very long time in his bouncer, swing, playpen, play mat, and in his crib. If I hold him too long he gets fussy because he gets bored. He is only three months old, so I don't let him cry it out, unless I can't get to him (for instance if I'm driving). My uncle’s girlfriend told me not to buy my son a crib, because all that will do is spoil the baby. Where does that strategy come from? When people I don’t know ask where the baby sleeps, I tell them and I don’t worry about the response. I do wear my baby in one of those baby bijorn things, but thats only because it's convenient. His car seat carrier gets heavy. I see nothing wrong with our independent babies. If people think there is something wrong with that, it must either be a culture thing, or a lack of parenting skills.
My cousin and her husband have a 1 and a half year old. As a baby, they held her constantly. She IS very spoiled now. My cousin received a bassinet, a crib, bouncer, swing, and my grandfather gave her a handmade cradle. She used NONE OF IT. All those expensive items and the hard work of my grandfather were wasted on her. Now, their daughter does not want to go anywhere without her parents. She will not go with anyone even if it's to get a present. She does not let anyone else hold her (not even her grandma). She cries all the time and is very antisocial. Please don’t follow my cousin’s example.
Noah's been in a bassinet since birth and moved to his crib at 3 months. I have my bed and he has his bed and that's the way I like it! I'm also a cry it out mom and haven't had any issues w/ it (ok, one leg stuck in the crib once). Noah doesn't get rocked every night, nor does he have a pacifier, or binky. He does have 2 parents that love, love, love him. He is our world but we chose not to "baby" him too much. He's growing up quite nicely
I sometimes co-sleep, I breast feed, I wear my baby and carry her a lot. She is VERY independent and has been walking since she was 9 months old. Having a close bond with your baby does not affect their independence in any way. In fact, most children who have a close bond with their parents are MORE independent and more confident than children who are not close with their parents. Please do some research into Attachment Parenting! You will be glad you did.
I don't believe there is anything wrong with independant babies. My son goes through stages where he wants to be held more and where he wants to play by himself more. I believe it’s important to give them a chance to learn how to entertain themselves. You need to do things too and there is nothing wrong with a little independent time for each of you. On wife swap last night, there was a good example of too much too soon. Leaving a 10 year old home alone to make his own supper 4 nights a week is certainly a bad idea. Most kids that age are just not ready for that.
My first son was a self soother and an independent baby. He liked to be held for a while but also liked to play with toys on the floor, slept through the night 7-7 by 8 weeks in his own room, was really happy and an all around great baby. My 6 week old is more of a high needs baby and I carry him in a sling most of the day. He sleeps in his bassinet in our room and he is pretty fussy. I just think that all babies are different and you have do what is best for each baby.
Babies that are not held enough and don't get a good response when crying for something they really need, are the ones that have dependency issues when older.
A baby who has a strong close bond with mom and gets the attention needed will be much more comfortable with pushing for freedom and independence.
I agree. When my baby is born, he'll be sleeping in his own bed. I don’t believe in being dependent on another person for everything, including your happiness. Not that a baby knows the difference, but I just mean that it's important to learn to self soothe, so the Ferber method of CIO will be used in my household as well.
There's nothing wrong with an independent baby. It’s fine to raise your child in a less-attached way. Likewise, babies raised by parents practicing “Attachment Parenting” are likely to learn to function on their own in spite of it. Our son is healthy, shows very strong independent traits, and we will just go with the flow.
re: "When do you stop sleeping with them and carrying them around all the time?"
My son is 14 months old. He's not ready to stop cosleeping yet, and I have no problems waiting until he show signs of being ready.
Carrying them around all the time should stop as soon as the baby learns to walk and is ready for some independence. I still hold and carry my son often, but when *he wants* to walk around & play on his own, I let him. The way I see it, he's not going to be little very long.
My babies sleep by themselves and have both been really good sleepers. My second baby is a little needier but I had visitors over the other day and she was playing so quietly just crawling around, one lady forgot she was there.
Yet when we were at Karate last week (my oldest loves it), my baby was looking at another baby just about the same age and size. My baby got a bit too close and knocked over the other child. That baby didn't stop crying for 15 minutes. When they have been comforted and they continue screaming just because they can, it’s due to parent reinforcement of the behavior.
I have another friend who lives just down the street. She can't leave her kids with their grandparents over night because the "4" year old still sleeps with the parents and can't be without her parents. I think that's unfortunate.
My daughter who is 6 loves me, loves other people, and can adapt to different situations without frustration. She didn't sleep with me, wasn't breastfed past 3 months, and had her first night away from me when she was 2 months. I also didn't wait until she was 2 to start discipline. When she did something she wasn't supposed to, she was told “no”. Encouraging independence seems to be a good thing.
I do co-sleep with my son, but I don't think that you are a bad mom! I think it's the mother's/parent's decision to do what they believe is best for their family! Co-sleeping works for us, so that's great. As long as you are doing what's best for your child and family, I say more power to you! During the day, my son plays on his playmat and in his play pen by himself (with me in the room watching, of course). I see your point, some people can be very judgemental.
I am also an elementary school teacher. I’m writing from my classroom at lunch. I see the opposite. I see children that are not hugged enough. Children who are low in the area of vocabulary development because they are simply not talked to: the television is their babysitter.
We do foster independance: via Attachment Parenting.
We have 2: a son with autism and a daughter who is 19 months old. Our baby in particulary is extremely independant- even daring. Very social. Attachment Parenting in my experience (our son is 11) fosters independance very well. The children grow secure within themselves- they feel good about themselves and carry on this way. They also become very kind, caring children.
Raising healthy, independant children can happen via love and nurturing.
There is more than 1 way to raise a child and this way works the best for us. If you don't approve- then you must look the other way. Our son is doing so well with autism and his doctors credit it to the high-touch, high levels of nurturing he receives.
re: When do you stop carrying them and sleeping with them?
Our son was 2.5 years when he went to his bed for the night. That was when he indicated he needed more space and we moved him. Easy. We will do the same for our baby.
As far as stopping the carrying? Same deal. I wear her on my back as I make dinner. I have been away and she has been with daddy so she missed me too much to be put down.
The rest of the time, she is off and running coming back to check-in and nurse from time to time. She is now 19 months old and a delight. We never draw the line on nurturing and love.
teacher for 13 years
mom to 2, one with autism